Nice Cellophane Bear, Stupid: A Valentine’s Day Guide


Just when you thought you had a nice, clear path to begin getting your financial house in order after the absolute fiscal drubbing that is known as Christmas, Valentine’s Day is here to slap you across the face. Valentine’s Day is a time when love is in the air, and people pour their heart out to the object of their affection. There’s something to enjoy all around. My favorite part is the box of chocolate? “MMM, I WONDER WHAT’S IN THIS ONE? GOD DAMN IT, MOTOR OIL AGAIN.” It’s funny the different progression that V-Day takes as you age. When you’re in grade school, you walk around with diarrhea shit in your stomach because you’re afraid of a girl rejecting your affection. In adult life, you have the same feeling but this time it’s because you sent flowers to her home instead of her job, much to her husband’s chagrin. Whether you are married, in a relationship, or trying to get the attention of a woman whom you have absolutely no chance of sleeping with, it’s usually a day that fails to live up to expectation, unless you are John Cusack in an 80’s movie. Here’s a quck primer on the day of love that we all love to hate.

Roses are essential. They cost approximately $729, and die approximately 20 minutes after you put them in water. Purchase a dozen of these so as to not look like a blithering idiot. If you are 18 and under, you can pull off the single flower deal. If you are over 18, don’t attempt this unless you want to be shamed on Twitter.

It is necessary to make formal dining arrangements on Valentine’s Day. As in picking up a phone a week prior and solidifying a reservation so you don’t end up at a chain restaurant with an hour long wait. Nothing makes your girlfriend re-download the Tinder app quite like knowing you put zero thought in making dinner plans. Going to Applebee’s on Valentine’s Day is only appropriate if you’re trying to pick up someone at the bar or if you’re  a vagrant looking for somewhere to BM.

Gifts are tricky. I can’t tell you what to purchase, but here are a few things you should NOT be giving:

– A teddy bear wrapped in cellophane from Walgreen’s. If you hand this to someone thinking you did well, you deserve to be tried in The Hague. Unless this is for the girl sitting ahead of you in a 4th grade history class, this is doomed to fail.

– Edible Arrangements. Fruit is for sustenance. People eat it begrudgingly. Getting someone fruit is basically giving them a chore.

– Candy that isn’t chocolate. Don’t be a smart ass. Buy the disgusting chocolate.

Fill out the card beforehand. You never try to pen in your card, since the card will likely slide around the backseat and end up covered in cigarette ashes and coffee stains.

You like someone, and you are unsure if they like you back. Valentine’s Day is the day when the chickens come home to roost. Make your feelings known, so you can know whether to pursue or move on. If you hand a girl a dozen roses and she says, “Aww” before pecking you on the cheek like your grandmother, you are probably never having sex with her. Move on.

Here’s hoping Cupid’s arrow will strike on Valentine’s Day for all of our readers at Red Ticket Blues. If not, put on “Sixteen Candles” and have a good cry.

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