How To Attend a Super Bowl Without Looking Stupid

Super Bowl Sunday.

Just those three words alone give you an erection draped in an American flag. Yes, the big game is here and you’ll need a place to watch your Super Bowl numbers go directly into the shitter. What better place to do that than at a party? Here at Red Ticket Blues, we want you to maximize your fun on this Holy Day, so follow this guideline and you’ll…have more fun I suppose. Here are some tips for attending a party on game day.

GUESTS: If you are invited to a Super Bowl party, it is imperative that you bring something. Listen, I hate spending money on anyone as much as the next guy. If I could run an IRS scam on my family to be able to secure the cash for the Christmas gifts I’m buying for them, I would do it in a heartbeat. But this is no time to be a freeloading lowlife. Here’s some stuff that you may bring:

*Beer- Generally, any generic swill will do in this situation. There’s lots of people at these gatherings, so quantity is usually better than quality. If it’s a close friend whose tastes you are familiar with, spend the extra few dollars and get Semen IPA or Midget Finger Lager or whatever obscure beer people like.

*Chips- Who doesn’t love shoving a handful of trans-fat into their disgusting maw in the company of strangers? Buy a nice XL bag of FLAVORED chips. Do NOT walk into someone’s home with a weak ass bag of classic flavored chips like some classless Juggalo. Doritos, Cheetos, Sour Cream & Onion, Mesquite BBQ & the vastly underrated pretzel twists are perfectly acceptable. Also, if you’re bringing snyder-of-berlin-sea-salt-and-malt-vinegar-kettle-cooked-potato-chips-8-5-oz_614049Tostitos, spring for some damn chili or cheese dip. Eating dry Tostitos is equivalent to Chinese water torture.

*Hot Food- YES! Chicken wings, pizza, ribs. All of this. You walk in with some piping hot junk food and I’ll show you someone who walks wearing a sash and a top hat. Your hosts will inevitably not have enough food and everyone has to do that weird thing where people are overly polite and don’t eat . NONSENSE. This is a day for eating thirds and fourths and then purging in a vomitorium in order to eat more, not unlike our good friends in ancient Rome.

Now that you are a swell guy in the eyes of your hosts, here’s a guide of what not to do during game time:

*Spending the whole time on your phone. My phone hasn’t left my hand in 6 years, I spend 12 hours a day bouncing back and forth between different apps and never look at the road when driving. But see, that’s ME. As for you, interact with the other guests and make typical polite conversation. Like pretending you know how to invest your money and caring about other people’s children.

*Swearing too much. I love cursing during sporting events, which is why I watch them in my own dwelling. Nothing like a good “YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER!” when someone drops a wide open pass. The partygoers you’ll be with probably won’t relate to this catharsis, as won’t the children looking at you in horror or the wife of your buddy, who now certainly hates you. Try to say “Oh, Horsepickles!” when the urge strikes.

*Eyeballing women. She’s either married, engaged or somebody’s sister. Yes, of course she’s hot. We all know she’s hot. Stop making this uncomfortable for everyone.

*Talk too much about gambling. We all need a vested interest in a game where our favorite probably isn’t playing (thanks Jets). Getting a Super Bowl box is fun. Throwing a few bucks on a ridiculous prop bet is fun. (Will the offense pantomime the pinball machine scene from “The Accused” during an end zone celebration? 5000-1, gotta throw a 10 spot on that!) But boring everyone with every tease, pool, and spread will make you look like a degenerate. Keep this chatter to a minimum…unless this is the crowd you run with than by all means, carry on.

With this guide, you are sure to have a pleasantly rigid, unmemorable time and wish you stayed home. Oh and hosts? Dont ask me to take my fucking shoes off. Your tacky rug from Homegoods will be just fine.


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