Tonight, the World Series begins featuring the even-year mainstays, San Francisco Giants taking on the ultimate underdogs, Kansas City Royals. And to get you ready for the inaugural game of 2014 will be some of the normal MLB FOX faces like Kevin Burkhardt, Gabe Kapler, and Frank Thomas.
But, unfortunately during production meetings some fool left the door open and let all the douche in. Yup, Indians Nick “Look at me Bro!” Swisher and Red Sox David “I didn’t take steroids because I said it very loudly” Ortiz will be joining the regulars at Kaufman Stadium to prep the viewers at home.
While it’s nothing new of MLB to add current stars to the crew for the final series, they usually don’t stick two pompous self-promoters in the same camera shot.
I imagine the whole segment going down like this:
Ortiz and Swisher engage in a gradually uncomfortable standoff over who will take off their Aviator sunglasses first. Finally, they both come to an unspoken agreement that enough is enough and gaze upon the nation.
Kevin Burkhardt welcomes us to Kauffman Stadium and obviously gears toward the unlikely World Series hosts, the Royals. He mentions the gradual increase in the Kansas City payroll throughout the past few years before he’s rudely interrupted by Ortiz mumbling something about payroll, which results in an official demand for a new contract and a stern warning to the Red Sox to stop “disrespecting” him.
Nick Swisher lets out a “bro” laugh, gyrates violently in his chair for a few seconds then stares blankly into television abyss.
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Eventually, Ortiz and Kapler start reminiscing over their magical postseason run in 2004. Suddenly, Ortiz remembers an obscure at-bat from Game 5 of that ALCS that should have been scored a hit. He’s furious.
After taking as much as he can without being the center of attention, Swisher interrupts the “Brohio” with loud inaudible noises and tries to bro it up with the former and current Sox stars.
Frank Thomas is quietly wondering why he didn’t just sit at home and enjoy his Hall of Fame induction relaxing period.
In an attempt to save the train from completely going off the track, Burkhardt scolds Swisher for interrupting everyone and raising the decibel level time after time he opens his mouth. Swisher responds the only way he can when things aren’t golden for him on camera: “I’m sensitive, bro. Sometimes I just need a bro hug”.
Ortiz, not paying attention while gazing at himself in a mirror, thinks Swisher is calling him sensitive and entirely unprovoked, voices him opinion on how he thinks tonight’s Royals starter, James Shields, should never throw inside at him.
All hell has broken loose.
“It’s just my interpretation. Of the situation”
Outkast-Spottieottiedopalicious from Aquemini