Taking the Tour At Fenway Park Is Kind Of Shitty

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A few weeks before the “Year of the Jeter” finally ended its predictable coronation at Fenway Park on the last game of the season, I decided to take a tour of “America’s Most Beloved Ballpark”.  As a Yankee fan, I’ve grown disillusioned by the hollow, faceless money pit that is Yankee Stadium.  So I figured, why not experience a “classic” up close and personal?

The tour started in the Red Sox Fan store across the street from the park. After a few minutes, our guide entered.  He began engaging in mindless small talk, but I couldn’t stop staring at the obnoxious speaker hung over his shoulder he was going to project his knowledge from.  It reminded me of a sub-woofer that belonged in the back of that kid’s car from high school who you weren’t sure if he was a drug dealer, but in reality he was a really big drug dealer.

We entered the park through one of the many gates one would normally enter the park.  Our guide, I forget his name so we’ll call him Tom, gave us a very abbreviated history of the park.  After this, we entered the visitor’s locker room.  Instantly, the compact size is striking,  How they fit 25 players in here is unreal.  And I wouldn’t have time to think much longer about it as were whisked in and out in assembly line-like fashion.  In addition, the entrance door shares the same hallway as the fans corridor.  Imagine, you could be just feet away with your brewski as Adam Dunn dips his razor into  his forest of thick back hair.

From there we entered the park with a view of the field near home plate.  Obviously, it’s a great shot and everyone took advantage for picture time.  This eventually led to the foreseeable mandatory sanctioned “Pose like you’re having Fun, ok?” segment, where you can buy the timeless memory later.  My wife and I ,being the anti-social people we are, walked around the entire display, much to the chagrin of Tom.  Next, we all took a seat together as Tom put his subwoofer to the test…for a good 20 minutes.  Much of the tidbits and facts were meant for a casual fan or foreigners in town to see the sights.  The eastern European family in our tour seemed very intrigued by Tom’s insight, although I’m almost positive they had no idea what he was saying.

After story time, we headed to the Monster Seats.  I will admit, this was a pretty cool experience.  As a common peasant, I had never been lucky enough to sit up there.  The view watching a game there must truly be something special.

As we trekked towards the press box, I started getting a little concerned.  We hadn’t walked on the field, seen the Red Sox locker room, or sat in the dugout yet.  Yes, I’m an adult worrying about if I’ll sit in a dugout, but damn it i paid for this tour!  But, I digress.

The box consisted of two rows of specifically marked areas for members of the press.  I felt honored to be in the same room where Sweeny Murti has put together his thoughts that would ultimately be pulverized by Mike Francesa.  After the festivities ended there, we moved to the famous red seat in right field.  For those who don’t know, the seat marks the longest hit home run by anyone in Fenway Park.  It’s 502 feet away from home plate and was hit by the one and only, Ted Williams.

So, did I mention we were on the top deck looking down on the seat? And did i mention the assholes sitting in it? Oh, and did I mention Collegefest going on the same time?

Ahh, yes some ultra creatively named festival was also taking place in the outfield stands.  So, here we are atop the Budweiser seating area staring down on a red seat occupied by a bunch of bros wearing neon sunglasses and Bermuda shorts.  I’ve never been so upset over a college celebration that ended in Fest since Peacefest in Higher Learning.  That gathering didn’t end well if you recall and neither did this tour.

After staring at douchebags sitting in the lone red seat at Fenway for ten minutes, we were whisked away to a Hall of Fame area, which had some neat memorabilia for us to gaze at.  After that I overheard Tom say, “I hope you had fun! Thanks for coming!”.

Whoa, hold the fuck up there, Thomas.

No interior of the monster where Manny took his leaks, no parking my keister on the bench or seeing what a home locker room from 1912 looks like? Nada?

“Haha, we only allow people to do that stuff every blue moon”, Tom laughed when I inquired about the lack of “tour”.  So, if you’re keeping score at a home, outside of the peek of the visitors locker room and the press box, I could have seen all this shit if I had bought a ticket like any schmo.  Tom, who admitted he had only been working for three months, found my question funny.  Needless to say it was figuratively and literally my last straw with this tour.  And fuck you, Collegefest!

For a team that prides themselves on being fan-friendly and appreciates the ballpark experience, they certainly have a funny way of showing it. I feel like I was duped, deceived and tricked by all the happy horsehit surrounding Friendly Fenway. I expect more out of the Red Sox, in fact this truly lazy disdain for fandom is reserved for a park 200 miles south. Right, Jake Taylor?

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